daisyandzelda

Today we bring you something special from Charlotte: businesswoman, all-round talented lady, friend of ours and super single mummy. This story explains the last of those labels, but also, I reckon, the rest of them too: believe me, this woman really can do anything! We hope she will write some more for us soon on the unique ways in which single motherhood can be extra crappy – or extra awesome. Read, enjoy, share!

Daisy

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I wrote the following to a mum who is contemplating a difficult decision – single motherhood:

It took a year to finally leave him. We were together for four years, married for two, when Caspian was born. Almost instantly, he basically turned into an asshole. My husband had tendencies to moodiness and it wasn’t that things had always been easy, but after he was born he became emotionally and mentally abusive. He was very critical, mean, and would lash out at me (not physically) about anything. It’s hard to communicate just how bad it was, but everyone we knew could see it and struggled to watch it.

I went up and down, emotionally, for a long time. I threatened to leave several times – bawled my eyes out all night, and then wimped out in the morning. We had marriage counselling, and he went to see a psychologist to try and work on his issues, which helped temporarily, but the problems were too deep set and he wasn’t able to control himself. I grieved for the idea that I had about how my life was going to be… get married, have a baby, work, save money, buy a house… HAVE A FAMILY. I wanted a family so much. We also had a lot of past happiness and memories tied up together. We’d built a life together, and it was hard to contemplate shattering that.

Caspian and his mummy

I was raised by a single mother, and I knew that it was hard. I wanted to give my son the family unit that I didn’t have (don’t get me wrong – my mum gave me and my brother a great childhood and we are a solid family, but I always looked enviously at the nuclear families of my friends). That was far and above the hardest thing to let go of.

I’m not sure how long it was exactly before I stopped loving my husband. But it certainly wasn’t love that held me in the marriage, after a while. It was the idea of the family, and the shame of not having a successful relationship – not being able to make marriage work, and the fear of HOW THE HECK DO I DO THIS BY MYSELF?????

Eventually, the bad times far outweighed the good, in fact, there were so few good times that they were almost inconsequential. I remember the exact moment it was finally over. Caspian was 13 months and one week old. I had been trying to build up the courage to leave, but in the end I couldn’t force it. It just was. The end. We didn’t have a huge fight, I wasn’t crying, it wasn’t stressful and painful and numbing. I said to him perfectly calm that he had to get out of the house while I was looking for another place for me and Caspian to live, that it was over.

Thinking of Caspian’s welfare did have a lot to do with it. I’ve seen marriages where people have stayed in them way longer than they should, and it doesn’t make anyone happy. I want to someday have a true and happy relationship to role model for him. I don’t want to give him the guilt of knowing that his parents stayed miserable for his sake (’cause kids always figure it out). Seemed to me like that would be a pretty big burden for him to bear. I also worried about how the general tension would impact him. I don’t think we ever actually fought in front of him – he didn’t see us yelling or crying or anything, but it got to the point where it was extremely difficult to even have a civil conversation without snapping at each other, and I didn’t want that to be Caspian’s home environment. I wanted him to have two parents who were finding their own happiness, not sacrificing it for an ideal.

Caspian in the bush

It’s such an incredibly hard thing to contemplate or act on… I don’t know what the details of your situation are but I remember the feelings.

So I guess I should say that although the decision took a long time, was really difficult, and the reality of being a single parent is hard, I don’t regret it for a minute. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It is BLOODY HARD being a single mother. People say “how do you do it? Gosh, I find it difficult even with my husband – and he’s so great!” (and I know they’re trying to empathise but I kinda want to smack them) and it’s really easy to say some kind of platitude like “well, it’s hard, but you do what you gotta do”. And it’s true – you just get on with it, because there’s no other option. If you crumble, everything crumbles, and that’s not an option. But it’s not just “hard, but…”. It’s HARD. I’m not going to pretend like it’s all fluffy bunnies (I’m sure you don’t think that anyway).

It’s hard because money is tight. I’m on the DPB and desperately job hunting, because the DPB simply isn’t enough. I’m not someone who’s inclined to stress about things, but I find finances incredibly stressful. I can pay rent and buy food, but it is hard to pay the bills, hard to not be able to go out with my friends or buy something I want. My car failed its WOF, and the things are only minor, but I still can’t afford to fix them, so I’m driving illegally. If you work, at least that side of things will be a bit easier. It’s hard because you are always the one to get up in the middle of the night, or early in the morning, or battle with an overtired child to just go the fuck to sleep. It’s hard because you have to make every little decision, you’re responsible for nutrition and socialising and playing and their routine and being there for them whenever they need it. There’s no one to come home at the end of the day and play with the baby while you cook dinner.

Cooking with mummy

It’s hard because there’s no safety net, no one else to say “this is a challenge, but we’re in it together”. The full responsibility is on your shoulders. My son’s Dad is quite involved – he has him overnight Saturday – Sunday, and visits him twice during the week. We talk about major decisions and little things sometimes too. So it’s not that I am alone in parenting. It’s kind of hard to explain. It’s more that there’s no one else to share my life with, and that makes everything harder. For now.

The co-parenting thing can be pretty challenging. When we first separated, seeing him several times a week was really tough. I felt like I hated him and I wished he’d drive his car off a cliff or something. We’ve had disagreements, and he’s still been mean sometimes, but it is a lot easier now that I can say “get the fuck out of my house!” It’s been a year – Caspian turned two in March – but we now have a pretty good working relationship and it’s a lot easier. Time does heal, I guess.

Caspian feeds chickens with Nana

But being a single mum is also great. For me, I’m a lot happier. Finances are tough, sometimes I’m lonely and I want someone to cuddle me every night, there’s a lot to be done and I have to do it all. But I’m still way, way happier than I was being in an unhappy relationship. Caspian and I are really close and I’m proud that I’ve raised such a great kid. I have freedom! I can eat the food that I like, I can go to bed when I like, I can do whatever I like without compromising or being controlled and criticised. I’ve gotten over the shame of having a failed marriage and I’m now really proud to say that I was strong enough to leave my husband and stick up for myself and seek happiness. I have developed more close friendships over the last year than I did when I was married. I have a great support network that I really value – I feel I have a strong community around me and I don’t think I would have had that if I was still married, because there’s less reason to seek out and build those friendships, and because being a single mum forced me to ask for help. I’ve been forced to stand on my own two feet and I’m stronger than I ever was. I’ve done a lot of interesting things that I don’t think I would have if I was still married.

I’m proud of myself for surviving!! Jeez, I can do anything!!

Charlotte

Tags: leaving your partner, separation, single mother, single parenthood