In the spirit of Christmas I will try to keep this as holly jolly as possible, but I should warn you that this is an attack. An all-out attack on a subsection of retail personnel that I believe should have their wrongdoings pointed out to them and then be punished accordingly. Every new father has encountered these self-righteous arrogant wenches of consumerism. These loathsome, self-hating fear-mongers. That’s right, I’m talking about you … baby store retail ladies.
Every single time I have entered a baby store I’ve had to battle my way past this invisible forcefield of disdain just to get some decent customer service. Now, I understand that in this business these gargoyles must meet a large section of mothers who have been abandoned, insulted and ultimately treated like dirt by the father of their child. But – and this is the important bit – that’s not me! The guy that stumbles into your shop as soon as the doors opens, screaming baby strapped to chest, hopped up on coffee and sleep deprivation, trying to remember if it was medium or large nipple shields he had to buy. This guy is not the enemy: he’s one of the good ones, he’s the guy that four hours earlier said ‘you get some rest honey, I’ll take care of it’, and now that he’s finally in the store he gets ignored, scoffed at and greeted with a curled upper lip and an eye roll. Darwin, damn it! Give me a break. Ask me if I need any help. Ask me how old she is. Treat me like a new parent, for figgy pudding’s sake!
Well, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. All you baby store retail staff, you’ve got your reaction in the post. That’s right, I’ve put my daughter in training, and you better believe in two years’ time, I’ll be back. Right at that age when she’s not only old enough to pull things off shelves, but also break them too. At that age when she can reach everything on a coat hanger. That age when she can confuse our potty at home for your brand new shiny one. Oh yes, that’s when I’ll be back. Not one store will be missed. And did I mention, I’ve already started recruiting? I’m building myself an army of babies, and one day, one day really soon, we will descend upon your precious little store and you will be savaged by a battalion of wild-eyed, sticky with sherbet, bare-bottomed babies.
You have been warned.